Butter…

November 30th, 2009 § 0

...face

via whatever turns me on

Sharing

November 30th, 2009 § 0

Their feet are almost the same size which is nice because they can also share shoes.

via pornbot

Battle lyrics

November 25th, 2009 § 0

I’m gonna fuck you guys up the ass and shove my cock down your throats,
yes, you, Aurelius—you fucking cocksucker—and you too, Furius, you faggot!
Just because my verses are tender doesn’t mean
that I’ve gone all soft. Sure, a poet should focus
on writing poetry and not on sex; but does that
mean they can’t write about sex? If a poem is
in good taste, well-written and erotic,
it can give massive boners to hairy old men,
not just to horny teenagers. You think I’m a sissy
just because I write about thousands of kisses?
I’m gonna fuck you guys up the ass and shove my cock down your throats!

Catullus

Dungeons and hardons

November 24th, 2009 § 2

That's a mighty long bow

via forgotten tumblr blog. SRY!

The price of eating out

November 23rd, 2009 § 1

and sometimes it's not even satisfying

via livejournal

Peppermint surprise

November 23rd, 2009 § 0

Merry Christmas

via pornodl

Salad

November 22nd, 2009 § 0

“So, wait, it was all her idea?”

“Totally. We were unloading the food drop-off and she picks up this cucumber and says ‘Does this give you any ideas?’ I thought she was joking so I just laughed and carried the chickens to the back fridge. I come back out and she’s sitting on the counter, naked.”

“Holy shit, was anyone else there?”

“No, we weren’t even open yet. Her being naked wasn’t too surprising since we’d done it in the kitchen before, but I didn’t get to the best part: she’s peeling this giant cucumber. So I’m just standing there starting at her like an idiot and she starts yelling ‘Garçon! Garçon! I believe my pussy is getting cold!’ and it sounds hot with her German accent, so now I’m thinking this is going to be a great start to my shift.

“So I go over to her and I’m going to reach for her but as soon as I get close she hands me the cucumber and tells me to microwave it for 30 seconds.”

“Your restaurant microwaves its food?”

“Well we have a microwave but this is the only time I’ve ever used it. Anyway, now I’ve got the cuke in there and I’m while waiting I look back at Marta. She makes eye contact and then reaches down and starts playing with herself. I don’t know why, but it was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.

“Anyway I carry the cucumber back and she tells me to put it on the counter beside her. As soon as I do she grabs my head and I think she’s going to kiss me but instead she shoves my face right into her crotch. I think it’s pretty obvious what she wants…”

“Yeah I would say so.”

“…so I start trying to tease her but she’s shoving my head down and grinding her hips like crazy so I just go to town. I don’t know how long I’m down there and then all of a sudden she pulls my head up and looks at me and says ‘Now fuck me with this’ and hands me the cucumber.

“I take it from her and it is fucking enormous. So I’m kind of tentative and I just start by like rubbing it against her pussy but she keeps whispering ‘Put it in’ and finally she pulls on my hair again and is like ‘Stop fucking around!’

“Hot.”

“Mostly intimidating. So anyway I’m trying to work it in by pushing a little while twisting. The end goes in easy but then it starts to get pretty wide. But it keeps going in and her pussy looks crazy: the skin is stretched super tight and it’s like… it’s like there’s no room for anything so her clit’s propped up on this giant green cucumber and it looks fucking huge.”

“I know what it looks like, Jen was into big dildos.”

“Jen? 4 foot tall Jen?”

“I was pretty surprised too. Anyway finish your story, I want to go eat.”

“Alright, it’s almost over. I get it in pretty far and then she shoves me away and starts working it herself while she rubs her clit with her other hand. Then she tells me to take my cock out.”

“What, she’s just like ‘Take your cock out’?”

“Yeah, I think what she said was actually ‘Show me your cock’. As soon as I do she jumps off of the counter and starts blowing me while she’s still working herself with the cuke. I’m trying to hold back because I figure maybe she’ll want to fuck afterwards but then she starts moaning like she’s about to come and I just start cumming hard, right in her mouth… and she loves it! Or at least she keeps my dick in her mouth and she starts to come too.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah, but then things get weird real fast. She’s still got my dick in her mouth and her cell phone rings so she grabs it and…”

“She answered her phone while blowing you?”

“Yeah, well, first she just looked at it then she sees that it’s her fucking husband.”

“That is not good.”

“Especially since he was calling from right outside the restaurant, I guess he had been knocking and we couldn’t hear him. So she says she’ll be right out and then starts getting dressed. Meanwhile I’m trying to cram my semi back in my underwear and mop up my face and there’s drool over the crotch of my pants. She goes to let him in and I’m totally panicking. I’m just waiting for him to kiss her and be like ‘Why do you taste like cum?’.

“Anyway she comes back and I must look like hell because she just looks at me and laughs. She tells me to finish putting away the food while she makes him something. I come out of the back and she’s got a salad ready and she gives it to me to serve and then says she ‘added a little surprise’.”

“Oh my god.”

“I know, right? Sure enough on the counter there’s the giant dildo cuke but only half of it so I guess the other half is in the salad I’m about to serve to her husband.”

“What’d you do?”

“I served it to him!”

“What about your cum stained pants?”

“It was just slobber, and I put on an apron. But I’m still nervous but then I get out there and he is like the least scary person I can imagine. He’s this short, balding old guy.”

“Really? I thought you said she was a babe.”

“She is!”

“So why is she with him? Is he rich or something?”

“He’s a doctor, so maybe. Anyway I drop off his salad and then start opening the restaurant. I’m getting the other tables ready when he calls me over and he’s like ‘There’s something wrong with this…’

“Jesus…”

“Wait, it gets better, he says …did Marta put anchovies in it? It tastes a little fishy.’

“Is she fishy?”

“Not really. I mean, maybe a little sometimes but that’s not really the point. I’m just like ‘I’ll ask her.’ and go back to the kitchen. I tell her exactly what he said and I guess it must have been a sore point because she stands there looking angry for a second then storms out. She starts yelling that the salad is fine and it doesn’t tastes fishy it tastes delicious and–get this–that some other people love the taste of her salad.”

“So she outs you right there in front of him?”

“That’s what I thought! But I guess it wasn’t obvious because he’s just sitting there dumbstruck. Meanwhile Marissa, the other server, has shown up and so have two customers. So I’m standing in the kitchen door watching my boss, who I just got done fucking with a cucumber, tell her husband and a small crowd that her pussy tastes magical. It was ridiculous.”

“So what’d you do?”

“I punted. I just walked out the back door and took the train home.”

What?!

“I didn’t know what else to do! If I stayed there I would have lost it.”

“So instead you–the head waiter–walked out on a Friday night. You realized you just gave up up the best job you’ve ever had. And the best sex!”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know! Have you talked to her since?”

“She left me a bunch of voice mails but I didn’t listen to them.”

“You are such a fucking pussy. Meet me in front of my building in 20 minutes. We’re going to get some noodles, listen to these messages, and figure out how you can keep your job.”

“Thanks man.”

“No problem. I can’t believe you were fucking a fishy-pussy girl.”

“It didn’t smell that bad. Besides, I’m not fucking her anymore.”

Where am I?

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